Last night was completely unexpected ending to that day. As I've been mentioning Josh's name quite lately, I've been taken into his confidence. We always have discussions about religion, family, college, etc. And he is usually quite negative about it all. Unexpectedly, he came home from church last night and seemed determined to find a god worth living for. He feels this way and although I don't completely agree, I'm not going to discourage him. This basically leads me to my point -- he said he was tired of living a lie. In essence, being fake and wearing a mask all the time. I discovered why. He's gay!! I had NO clue!!
Let me explain why I'm so shocked at this -- I had dated him once, way back in 7th grade?? I can't even remember, it might have been somewhere between 7th and 8th grade. It didn't last very long because I grew bored with never seeing him ((let's say it lasted about a week)). After that, we still talked and hung out sporadically. I always wondered why I could never bring myself to like him again -- I mean, he's not ugly. I just assumed it was because he was the biggest dork in the world. Damn, I have to leave the computer room... I'll write more later because there is soooo much more to say!!
Later: 9:07 p.m.
Okies, I'm resolved to finish this entry now. In case people are thinking "Oh my god, she's a homophobe!" No, I'm the least homophobic person you're going to find. But you must understand, all the homosexuals I know, were homosexual when I met them. It's always: you've been one, or you're not one. And as delusional as I can be, I always figured it was a choice. A preference and of your own free will to be. When I was talking to Josh, he made me realize, it's not. He is so frightened, because he already is a loner. Will this make him even more of a loner? I hope not. And from what he's said, he really wishes it was not so. He wishes that it was a choice.
Then there comes the whole issue of trust. He told me because he trusts me and I'm so extremely flattered ((if not flabbergasted)). I shouldn't even be writing this somewhere so public, but I highly doubt anyone who reads this even can remotely think of who I am talking about. Josh has always been that kind of guy; the kind of guy your gaze would fall right over unless he spoke to you. Also about me, you must realize I'm very taken aback by all this. I'm a Harrisburg girl, the kind of girl who goes through life watching everyone else experience strangeexciting situations. Those movies, stories, and lyrics don't apply to me!! I'm very much a spectator; however, now I'm apart of something that I'm not entirely sure I'm mature enough to handle. Today in school, all I did was think of how absurd it was to think of him as gay. I went into complete denial. As if this was all something I dreamed up just to put some excitement in my life. But... it's not, it's someone's emotions and it's oh so very real.
I think I'm about to start talking in circles...
