I've been listening to my Alkaline Trio and Weezer CDs again. It brings back such a yearning, long-ago buried, up to the top of my heart and I feel as if I am 15 again. It reminds me of punk shows and guitars and snow and confused lust. I miss those days when I was meeting new people every month and my ears ringing from the sheer volume of the guitars. I miss the closeness of my circle of friends and the absence of any kind of bitterness as we all supported each other in our personal soap operas. I miss not worrying about anything other than my next test or date with a hot guy.
I make a conscious effort not to make my diary too personal, because I would end up talking in circles and boring you to death. But... I do talk about personal subjects and I have already invest over a year's worth of my life in this diary. I do not think I have changed very much [let's say I "refined"], but it saddens me when I realize how much my relationships with other people have changed. Many ties have loosened and, probably, will be lost come graduation.
I speak like this because Dane showed his acceptance letter. He's going to Hawaii for college. I'm very happy for him, but I felt my heart split when I realized he would be leaving for far away. I am leaving, but less than an hour away. I am still waiting for my acceptance letter to Dickinson. I have contacted the ROTC at Dickinson and now I am worried about getting that scholarship. No... no palm trees or big cities for me. I feel as if my fate is to lie wasted in this sheltered valley.
Although I have become increasingly pacified because of Dwight, my dreams have not diminished in any way. My thirst to travel and to see has not been humbled by him ((and I am glad)). However, knowing my resolution to continue with my goals at any cost, makes me worried. Does Dwight feel the same way? If we both stubbornly stick to our lives, is there anything real tying us together? Could I handle to lose him or would I crack and lose my dream instead? :: sighs ::
You've got so far to go...
