I just got off the phone with Ryan. It's been over a week since I've talked to him and over two weeks since I've last seen him. His heart stopped about a week and a half ago and he just woke up a few days ago. I knew he had heart surgery about a little over three years ago (he had a hole ripped into his heart), but I had forgotten about it.
I feel such a weird mixture of relief and fear and guilt. I'm so glad that he's still breathing. However, now if I don't hear from him in anything longer than three days, I'm going to absolutely freak out about it. But then there's the guilt -- I've thought the worst things about what he could have been doing and it was so far from the truth. How could I have had such a low opinion of him to think he was acting like a jerk? :: sighs ::
Tomorrow, we plan to hang out and catch up. I really hope nothing bad comes up.
Ryan and I aren't actually committed in the "boyfriendgirlfriend" sense. It'd be stupid to be. I'm leaving for Germany next month and he seriously has one crazy life that I can't see how he could fit a girlfriend in it. But I don't deny that I would like to be his girlfriend... when he told me he was in the hospital, I felt this giant stone of fear just sink into my stomach and I haven't quite gotten rid of it yet...
